I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
