Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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