I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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