What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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