i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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