Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
God I need to hump something, right now.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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