why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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