your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
