He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
