You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
