Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
