my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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