i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
