I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
