when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize