I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
