I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
