Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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