I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
