I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize