Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
