God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
