I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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