he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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