i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
