im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
