The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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