i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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