you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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