cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
