he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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