Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
