true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
