Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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