Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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