To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
