Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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