I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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