The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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