I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
