he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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