he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
