that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
