the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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