I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
