if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
this hospital has no fireball
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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