btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
as a side note pls kill me
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
