First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
