People in love make me want to vomit
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
