I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
