My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
