Having a random hookup so left but love u
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize