like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
