If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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