He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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