nut hugger
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
