We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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