So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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