You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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