not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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