I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
