i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
