1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize