he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
