It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
