I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
