We got so high we made milksteak
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
