I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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