oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
