Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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