you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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