just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
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